Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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