Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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