My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize