My liver just broke up with me...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
