there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
