Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
