Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
