I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize