I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I love having hate sex.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
