apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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