the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
