UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
