Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
