??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
