yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wear drunk well.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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