I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
