I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
