remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
