FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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