i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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