if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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