So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
