I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
