We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize