Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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