We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
