Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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