I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you would pick up someone in the library
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
