I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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