apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
