I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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