I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
