A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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