break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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