you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize