Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
