At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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