last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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