chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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