I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
