i think my tv is drunk
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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