Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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