Me. At least after what I've been through.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
