I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize