dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
