you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
