shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
