I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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