So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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