hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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