He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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