ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
