I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
