I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
