remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
