So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
