He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
